


Kissing A Fool

by newyearslatejuly



Category: Glee
Genre: Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-09
Updated: 2015-11-09
Packaged: 2018-04-30 16:39:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5171597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/newyearslatejuly/pseuds/newyearslatejuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They had always been ready for each other, but life wasn’t that easy.  Life had to catch up.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kissing A Fool

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Did you write the book of love?](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1953402) by [readfah_cwen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/readfah_cwen/pseuds/readfah_cwen). 



> This is my very first fanfiction but I am a long time and big fan of Seblaine :) Title is from George Michael's Kissing A Fool. The biggest possible thanks to my beta Rose for every little thing, but most especially for being a new friend and for her beautiful fic Did You Write the Book of Love? that inspired me to write this one :)

Blaine woke with a start. He glanced around his room and let the moment of realization that it was just in fact a dream sink in while he allowed his breathing to slow. He closed his eyes for a moment but then grabbed his phone and stole into the den for privacy where he closed the door and dialed his number without thinking. No answer. Less than two minutes later he felt his phone buzz in his hand.

SS: Blaine Anderson, I’m in a client meeting where being on your phone is frowned upon.

BA: Yet you’re texting on your phone.

SS: I am.

BA: I had a horrible dream that you died in a plane crash and I needed proof that you were still alive.

SS: Breathing in and out, Killer.

BA: What city are you in?

SS: NYC

BA: Well if that isn’t a coincidence. Where are you?

SS: 55 Water Street.

BA: I’ll be waiting outside.

SS: OK. I’m looking good today I’ll have you know. ;)

BA: Shut up.

* * *

 

 

Blaine stood outside of the downtown office building for a good 20 minutes when he looked up to see Sebastian coming towards him with an easy gait.

“There he is,” Sebastian greeted him.

“There he is,” Blaine echoed back.

“So are you like famous now? Do people recognize you on the street?” asked Sebastian.

“Not really.”

“Here,” he grabbed Blaine’s hand and placed it over his heart, “I’m still alive.” Blaine could feel the quick cadence of his heartbeat through his shirt.

Blaine grabbed Sebastian’s hand and did the same, placed his hand over his own heart. “Mine’s beating fast.”

“If only I could have convinced you of that when we were 16,” Sebastian responded with a wink.

“I didn’t need any convincing. I was stubborn.”

“I know. So, lunch?”

“Yeah, your choice, I never come down here.”

They found a quiet and nice Italian restaurant known for their pizza, but decided on sharing a bottle of wine and some pasta instead. After the meal they decided to stroll around the quiet streets for a bit.

“You don’t live here do you?” asked Blaine as soon as they stepped out of the restaurant.

“Yeah, I do.”

“What? How long have you lived here for?”

“About a year.

“Are you serious? You let me walk around this city for a year knowing full well we could bump into each other without so much as a warning?”

“It’s a big city,” noted Sebastian.

“It’s a small world,” answered Blaine.

“So is this permanent? Are you staying in New York?”

“Nothing’s permanent with me, Blaine.”

Blaine nodded. He knew Sebastian. He wouldn’t get more of a response than that.

They continued to roam the streets for a bit, streets that grew louder as men and women gathered for drinks after work, and then quieter as evening turned into night. They talked about the last six years that had passed between them since they had run into each other at the airport and had a ten minute conversation before Sebastian had to catch his plane. They’d aged 29 to 35, a long time but not really. It was always easy to feel like no time at all had passed between them. At about 10:00 Blaine realized he should probably get going. It was hard for them to make plans, thought maybe leaving it to fate was a better idea, so that’s what they did. Sebastian gave Blaine a soft kiss on his temple and when he did Blaine held on tight like he couldn’t let go even if he wanted to, and he didn’t want to. They said goodnight and went their separate ways. Blaine stared at his ceiling all night long with his husband sleeping easily beside him. Sebastian wandered into a hotel bar near his apartment and nursed two drinks for the good part of two hours.

  
This is how it felt between the two of them, always melancholy and bittersweet. Neither of them knew if they loved it or if they hated it. The moments were so fleeting that they each held onto them like a lifeline, romanticized them more than the moments probably deserved and kept them to themselves, secrets shared by only one other person.

* * *

 

 

The day Blaine proposed to Kurt just before graduating high school, he walked into Dalton determined and hopeful, but also almost entirely undone on the inside. By that time in his life he had perfected the art of self-preservation and none of his friends present could have guessed that he was doubtful of himself that day. Blaine never uttered this to another person, but only when he was able to spot Sebastian in position and ready to begin was he able to relax and find the courage to pull it off. The mere sight of him somehow lifted a weight off of his shoulders and eased his mind, and Sebastian hadn’t even caught him looking. It was like a high school athlete who was full of nerves before a big game, but then finally caught sight of her parents in the stands and suddenly felt safe and ready to play. Blaine didn’t understand this influence that Sebastian had over him, at least not at the time, but he was grateful for it.

Blaine’s parents finally divorced when he was 24 years old, despite enough years of separation before then. When it happened it affected Blaine in a way he wasn’t expecting. He had held onto the fact that they were still technically married as hope that they could reconcile. It was a blow to Blaine, even as an adult, when he realized that had never been the case. When he posted a status to Facebook that included a mention of the divorce he received dozens of comments of support and apology. Almost immediately he also received a private message from Sebastian that read, “Law school is evil and New Haven is boring. I need a rescue. Please get on a train and take me to a gay bar. Remember that the end of your parents’ marriage isn’t the end of their love for you.” Blaine read the message over and over as he worked through the broad smile on his face and the matching tears in his eyes.

He decided to take Sebastian up on his offer for a night at Yale and braved the two and a half hour train ride the following weekend to find Sebastian waiting on the platform as soon as the train pulled in. At two a.m. they stumbled into a hotel lobby with their intentions in clear sight. They were drunk with happiness and possibility, and an understanding of “just this once”. In the morning Sebastian woke up to a note lying on the pillow next to him that read, “I didn’t want to wake you but I had to get back. Thank you for last night.” They weren’t in contact again until Blaine liked a photo on Sebastian’s profile five weeks later. They didn’t bring up their night together for a long time after that.

* * *

 

Three months after their downtown stroll it was Blaine’s turn for his phone to ring. He was sitting at his kitchen table absentmindedly eating a bowl of cheerios and not enjoying them. His phone buzzed next to him and it took him a second to register the name, Sebastian Smythe spelled out and looking up at him. He took just a second but raised the phone to his ear and said hello.

“Hey Killer, am I interrupting anything?” greeted Sebastian.

“A bowl of soggy cereal. No, nothing at all.”

“I um, I always wondered who I might call with this news, and you’re the lucky winner . . . I was getting ready to fly back to Ohio because my dad’s been dying of lung cancer, but I’m too late, he died.”

“Sebastian,” Blaine said quietly.

“Yeah well, I guess I’m supposed to go back to Ohio anyway because now I have to claim his body and make arrangements. My mom will have almost nothing to do with it. I don’t think she’s going to come back from France, so it’s just me. I’m pretty sure I’m going to have him cremated. I don’t even know who I’d tell about a funeral. He had business associates, and my aunt will want to know, but she lives in California. Anyway . . . so I guess I’ll probably try to get a flight out for today.”

Blaine considered for a moment and said, “You know, my parents and Sam all give me so much shit about how I never go back to visit, which I do by the way, maybe I should just go too. Burt and Carole actually took Evey to Disney, believe it or not . . . the first time she goes to Disney and I’m not even with her, but whatever. And Kurt’s in rehearsals for the next four weeks so . . . “

“Alright, well I’m thinking about leaving for the airport in like two hours. I don’t have a flight yet. I was just going to try to get the earliest one. I don’t give a shit about sitting around in an airport.”

“Neither do I.”

Blaine packed a quick bag including a suit just in case, for Sebastian’s sake, as well as made a call to Kurt who thought nothing of his impromptu trip, then met Sebastian at the United counter at JFK. Sebastian was in a suit, having been at work, and Blaine wore dark jeans and a sweater. Neither of them had checked bags so they made quick work of the ticket counter and security, both being airport pros, and found themselves in an airport bar having more than an hour to kill. Sebastian ordered a scotch and Blaine joined him. They just sat close for a bit, on the same side of the booth they found, their legs and arms barely touching, but enough. Sebastian finally broke the silence.

“He had cancer for like a year. He wasn’t even a smoker. I really don’t know how he got it. I thought mostly smokers got lung cancer. I’m not a doctor. He’s 63; young.”

“Did you visit him much?” asked Blaine.

“No. Basically never. I’ve moved around so much and he’s always traveled a lot. I went back a couple of times after he got cancer. He had a girlfriend so . . . “

“I don’t really know a lot about your relationship with your dad.”

“Not much to know I guess. I regret not being close to him. He was a good person. He tried hard. We had more to talk about when I became a lawyer. I guess we had to be similar to both be lawyers. I was his only child, my mom wasn’t around when I moved back in with him, I was an asshole back then and I was gay which he couldn’t really relate to. I guess it was probably hard for him.”

“I don’t even know his name.”

“Peter.”

“Peter Smythe,” Blaine said out loud.

“Yep. I think I want to scatter his ashes over the stream in that park behind Dalton. Do you want to come with me?”

“Sure.”

“Are you gonna go straight to your mom’s house?”

“No, I’m basically gonna spend the whole time with you if that’s ok.”

At that Sebastian turned his head to Blaine and finally made eye contact. He lingered there for less than a second before he spoke.

“Yeah, that’s ok,” and then, “I don’t know why I feel like I need you right now, but I do.” He spoke quietly. He kept eye contact. Blaine kept it too.

Blaine gave a small smile and laced their fingers together under the table. Sebastian let him.

“Sometimes I feel like what I want to say to you isn’t enough,” said Blaine.

“Me too,” said Sebastian.

They finished their drinks and boarded the plane about 45 minutes later. They didn’t have seats together since they bought the tickets so last minute. Blaine spent the flight reading a magazine and looking out of the window. Sebastian spent the flight doing nothing but looking out of the window, and when the flight attendant came by to ask if he needed anything he slowly turned and uttered a quiet, “No thank you.”

* * *

By the time they returned from the park it was dark and they were ready to eat. They returned to Sebastian’s dad’s house, the house where Sebastian retreated on weekends home from Dalton to empty and quiet, the house where Blaine rang the doorbell one autumn night in 2012 at 10:45pm when he left a party at Tina’s house and they sat in the den watching Inception and commenting on JGL’s suits. Tonight they cooked dinner together. Blaine cooked pasta, cut up small tomatoes and basil and added it in with garlic and olive oil. Sebastian made a salad and opened a bottle of wine. They took their time both cooking and eating. By the time they were done it was close to 11:00 and Sebastian decided he should go up to bed.

Blaine followed him this time. He didn’t linger in the den watching TV or call Kurt to say goodnight. He followed Sebastian as he walked to his room, barely a breath between Sebastian’s back and Blaine’s nose as they ascended the stairs. When they got to Sebastian’s bedroom door Blaine placed his hand in the small of Sebastian’s back leading him through. They brushed their teeth side by side at the sink in his en suite bathroom then took off their clothes leaving them both in boxers and a t-shirt to sleep in, and they got into bed. They faced each other, Sebastian almost in the fetal position. They held hands. Blaine reached up and brushed the hair from Sebastian’s face. Water threatened in Sebastian’s eyes but it didn’t fall. Blaine started to feel tears at the back of his own eyes at the sight.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t expect to be so tired. I’d much rather be spending the night exploring every inch of your body,” his lips turned up in a small smile to acknowledge his attempt at a joke. Blaine smiled back.

“It’s ok,” he brushed Sebastian’s hair again.

“Thank you for coming with me.” Sebastian paused and looked directly at Blaine. Blaine thought he understood what he was going to say before Seb uttered the words. “I wanted to tell you that I love you,” he said. He let tears fall then, slowly making their way down his cheek, one at a time.

“I love you, too.” Blaine just got out the words before his own tears started to fall. “Sometimes I just want to be able to love you every day,” he said.

“You and me both, Killer.” Tears still streamed down his face. “I’ll never forget that you did this for me, Blaine.”

Blaine leaned over and kissed him on the mouth, soft and slow. Sebastian returned the kiss as best he could, somewhat overcome with emotion, which was new to him. Once their lips separated they both instinctively moved closer to each other, wrapping up their arms and legs around the other’s, as close as they could possibly get, holding on tight. Sebastian fell asleep somewhat quickly, Blaine less so while he took in Sebastian's breathing,  the warm feeling of his skin, and his hand that was resting on the small of his back. 

They spent four more days in Ohio, tying up loose ends with Sebastian’s dad; there was a matter of the house, which Sebastian decided he would keep for now, it was the only connection to home that he really had in the States. Then on the last day was the reading of his will, everything went to Sebastian and needless to say he found himself solidly financially comfortable. It was a mix of that and Blaine and Sebastian being Blaine and Sebastian. The night they scattered the ashes had changed the dynamic of their stay, mornings and nights and times in between now marking Blaine’s third official affair, the second with the same man. Blaine had always been imperfect and knew it. Throughout his life his emotions got the best of him, but he had learned to distinguish which ones were real by this point. His moments of regret were only fleeting because . . . this was Sebastian.

* * *

They parted ways at the airport, grasping at hands and saying they’d call, text, meet for coffee, and they did. About a week later Blaine eventually realized he had to tell Kurt that Sebastian was in New York. Sebastian’s presence in Blaine’s life was something he knew he couldn’t and shouldn’t keep from Kurt. Kurt was curious but not exactly interested.

“How long has he been in New York for?” asked Kurt.

“I think going on two years. We ran into each other at the airport on the way back from Ohio. His father died.”

“Oh wow. How did he die?”

“Lung cancer.”

“Geez. So you two are friends now?”

“We want to keep in touch. He’s always been my friend.”

Blaine and Sebastian began to meet for a standing coffee date once a week. They sent texts on and off in between, they rarely called.

* * *

“Did you ever have feelings for Sebastian?” Kurt asked Blaine after an evening out as they were turning down their bed for the night.

“What?”

“I mean ever, like in high school or any other time. I’m just curious.”

“He’s my friend. I’ve always considered him a good friend.”

“So you never had a crush on him? It’s ok if you did. You had a crush on Sam, right? I’ve had crushes, you know that,” encouraged Kurt.

“I guess maybe, I don’t know,” was Blaine’s response.

“I hated him in high school, like I really, truly hated him,” Kurt began. “I thought he was a complete asshole and all he did was steal your attention away, not to mention almost blinding you and blackmailing Finn, the list goes on. I couldn’t stand him.”

“I guess that’s not news to me,” answered Blaine.

“Why didn’t _you_?”

Blaine considered for a moment before answering. “I guess I felt like I knew him. I felt like I understood him. I had fun with him. I never had anything but fun with him. I realize he threw a slushie in my face, and that sucked, but he was very regretful. He tried to apologize so many times. It took a while for me to let him, as you know, but he was really regretful. I know that not everything is black and white. It’s never been black and white with Sebastian; that much I know.”

“So you thought you knew him because you would text with him? Or call him? What did you talk about?”

“I don’t know, just stuff, anything. It was just conversation. The Warblers I guess, and movies, and hot guys, stuff like that. I didn’t hate him because he was my friend. Anyway, why are we talking about this?” Blaine asked.

“I don’t know, I guess because tonight is the first time I’ve ever spent ANY time with him since high school and obviously we’re not 17, but I didn’t walk in there with steam coming out of my ears. I just noticed that you two have a connection. It’s ok. I guess I just never realized that before and I was interested. That’s all.”

“Ok, well I’ll tell you what, I’d much rather spend time tonight on my connection with you.”

Kurt smiled. “Ok, but fast. I’m sort of tired.”

“Ok.”

* * *

Six months later Blaine sat across from Sebastian in their regular coffee shop when Sebastian announced that he was leaving New York.

“Where are you going?”

“I’m going back to France, to spend time with my mom and my family over there, it’s been too long since I’ve lived there and spent real time.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Soon, I’m flying out on Wednesday. I’ll have movers come to get my things after I go. The firm is supportive of a transfer but I have to go right away, that’s always how it works.”

Blaine had been listening and had been part of the conversation up until this moment, being nonchalant but suddenly realizing this wasn’t a nonchalant moment, not for him anyway. He took a moment and drew in a breath, wasn’t sure what to say to this man sitting across from him, his friend, so much more than that.

“I liked you being here, seeing you all the time again, I’ll miss it,” said Blaine.

There was an air of melancholy to his voice and Sebastian knew it, he could hear it. Blaine also realized it was obvious. It was in his eyes, in the way he moved his hands off of the table. He almost couldn’t bear to look at Sebastian, it all just hit him.

“It’s not gonna be another six or seven years is it?” He looked down at his hands and added softly, “That would suck.”

“It won’t – I’ll have to come back and forth for work,” Sebastian answered.

Why was Sebastian ok with all of this, with saying goodbye? Why did it seem easy for him? Maybe this was the ease of a bachelor, not tied down, not too attached. Blaine didn’t envy it. It was part of what drove him mad about Sebastian; he was so infuriating sometimes.

Blaine worked on collecting himself, not letting his hurt get the best of him or show any more. He put his hands back on the table and tried to say something like, “Well keep in touch,” but he couldn’t get it out for some reason.

Sebastian broke the silence though. “This isn’t goodbye. I can’t stay in one place forever, you know that, right?”

And then . . .

“We’re not married Blaine – I’m not tied to where you are. Don’t act like you’re hurt about me leaving.”

“I can’t be hurt about my friend moving out of the country?” Blaine responded, his voice a bit stronger than before. “It’s not that I don’t want you to be happy Sebastian, but I can express that I’m going to miss you. You’re such an ass sometimes!”

“I’m just saying that what I do and where I go is nobody’s business but mine. You didn’t make your life with me and you don’t get to make me feel guilty about living mine.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel guilty! I’m just reacting to you leaving. Like it or not, you’re an insanely important part of my life.”

With that Blaine leaned in a bit, his words still strong and biting, but this part was for their ears only.

“And don’t pretend that you don’t understand. You and I both know what being back in each other’s lives has been.”

“We do?” Sebastian wasn’t as determined to keep his words private. “What was it then? As far as I can tell it was coffee once a week and texting. How is that any different from high school? I’m not in high school anymore Blaine! I’m not sitting around wondering what if? I’m not your fucking pet!”

“Fuck you Sebastian! I hope you have a wonderful time in France!”

Blaine was already halfway out of his seat when he uttered the last part. He was keenly aware that he wouldn’t be able to keep in his emotions any more than that if he stayed there any longer.

Blaine turned and walked out, grabbing his coat but not putting it on until he was outside. It had already turned dark and was getting cold. “Fuck,” he said out loud, his eyes and voice finally damp with tears. He stood there, collecting himself and also knowing that Sebastian would probably be stepping outside any minute. He knew he should get out of there but he couldn’t move. Instead he sunk down onto the sidewalk with his back against the brick of the building and he just sat there, breathing a little bit heavily and collecting himself. Five or six minutes later the door opened and there he was. He instantly looked down; Blaine not having a hope of going unnoticed.

“Hey,” said Blaine.

“Hey,” answered Sebastian.

“I’m sorry,” Sebastian spoke quickly. “You didn’t deserve that.”

“l’m just gonna miss you, is that ok to say?”

“I’m gonna miss you too. It’s not easy for me to say goodbye to you. I probably didn’t do it in the best way.”

“I don’t want you to say goodbye to me. I can’t not have you in my life anymore. I fucking refuse.”

“Ok. Me too,” said Sebastian.

“Ok . . . Can we see each other again before you go?”

“Sure. Do you want to come over on Tuesday and help me pack?”

“Yeah, ok. I can bring some food.”

“Ok.”

Sebastian extended his hand to help Blaine off the ground.

“Goodnight, B.”

“Goodnight, Seb.”

Blaine watched him as he disappeared down the block, tears springing to his eyes again and he couldn’t necessarily grasp why. “Fuck,” he breathed to himself once more.

* * *

Blaine never gave much weight to the idea of a mid-life crisis, but knew enough to understand that he was bordering on depressed and that the reason for it, in his head, was this grand mistake of his life. The wrong choice; he was finally able to put those words together for himself even if they were probably unfounded.

Kurt noticed before Blaine that it was happening after enough days of witnessing him holed up in their room, coming out for dinner or coffee, for mindlessly watching TV, or to spend time with Evey, but really only for those things. What Kurt didn’t know is that those hours alone in his room were spent minute by minute only thinking of Sebastian Smythe; thinking of sixteen year olds whirling through the halls of a boys’ private school, or falling asleep with an ear to the phone, or regret over not saying, “It’s ok.”

On an evening when Blaine knew he was alone in the house he sat in his shared bedroom with Kurt and openly cried, as he had been doing from time to time over this period. What Blaine didn’t know is that Kurt came home early that evening and when he set foot in the door he instantly focused on the only thing he could hear, a faint cry coming from behind their bedroom door and Blaine uttering the words, “I miss you Sebastian, I want to hear your voice, please call me,” and then the unmistakable sound of more tears. Kurt stood nearly paralyzed for a good minute, perhaps two, becoming confident about what he was hearing, and then just as quietly as he entered, he turned on his heel and walked out of the apartment.

That was the beginning of the end of their nearly two decade marriage. Kurt never spoke of that evening to Blaine, not even years after the divorce was settled and they were amicably co-parenting Evey to the best of their abilities. “I should have known,” Kurt said one evening after a dinner they shared together with Evey in Kurt’s apartment. “Known what?” asked Blaine. “That there was more to Sebastian Smythe than you would ever dare to tell me. Sometimes I wonder how I could be so blind, but that’s all it was, I was blind.” Blaine couldn’t find the words and Evey walked back into the kitchen at just the right moment to ensure it wouldn’t be mentioned again.

* * *

Blaine spotted him first, he was sure of it, on a pleasant evening just as winter was morphing into spring. He looked up from where Evey was walking beside him and noticed the two of them, Sebastian and someone he didn’t recognize, walking in his direction not quite caught up in conversation, and then Sebastian looking down the block and catching sight of Blaine. They managed a good look at each other, both solidly continuing to move forward until they were standing face to face.

“Hi,” Blaine managed with a small wave. He turned to Evey and said, “Evey, do you remember Sebastian?”

“Not really,” was her reply.

“That’s ok,” Sebastian responded with a small smile.

Blaine turned to Sebastian’s companion and offered his hand, “Blaine Anderson -- and this is my daughter Evey.”

“Blaine is a life-long friend,” Sebastian added easily, and then, “this is Paul.”

“It’s great to meet you Blaine. And you too Evey,” said Paul.

“How long are you in New York?”

“We’ll be here about . . . two months? I’m here for a case. Could be shorter, could be longer.”

“Is this the beginning or the end of the two months?”

“Middle,” Sebastian answered with an inflection that turned it almost into a question, looking at Paul.

“You’re still living in Paris then?”

“Paris and other parts of France. Berlin for a bit.”

“Sounds lovely, Sebastian,” Blaine felt himself falter for a second at the realization that he was voicing Sebastian’s name in a shared space again. “How’s your mom? She must be happy you’ve stayed.”

“She’s happy, yes,” Sebastian responded.

“Well, we should be sure to see each other before that last month is up, ok?”

“Of course, we definitely will.”

Blaine offered that it was nice to meet Paul, gave a small wave to Sebastian and took Evey by the hand to continue down the block. Blaine understood that what just happened hadn’t yet hit him, but he was only focused on making his way down the street, adding to the distance that existed between the two of them.

He was further down the block when he heard deliberate, heavy, and quick footsteps behind him and the unmistakable call of his name from a familiar voice. “Blaine,” he heard.

Blaine and Evey turned to face Sebastian and this time he was by himself. A little breathless he said, “I’m sorry I wasn’t in touch, when you split up with Kurt,” Sebastian then glanced next to Blaine suddenly conscious that he’d brought up her parents’ divorce in front of Evey. “It’s ok”, Blaine answered for them both. “I wasn’t in touch with you either.”

“How are you though? You’re happy?” the tone in his voice was genuine and if Blaine was honest with himself, it was everything he always wanted it to be, melancholy and sweet, tied to comfort but also to longing.

“I’m happy,” he said with a small smile. “A little incomplete, but also very happy.”

“Kurt made you complete?”

That’s not what he meant. Blaine turned to Evey and noticed she’d begun window shopping just behind them.

“No, he didn’t. Kurt gave me . . . he gave me New York, and the drive to make my career happen, and our beautiful daughter, and a life-long friendship thank goodness. That’s all though.”

He didn’t realize he was looking down as he was talking and when he glanced up to meet Sebastian’s eyes he saw that they were possibly threatening tears. Sebastian gave a small nod in acknowledgement to Blaine’s assessment of his relationship with Kurt.

“So what makes you complete?” he asked with shaky breath, while he looked at Blaine.

“I don’t know,” he answered softly. “How long have you and Paul . . . ?” he asked igniting a subject change.

“About five years.”

“Wow,” Blaine said, genuinely surprised. “He seems nice . . . and super hot.”

At that both Blaine and Sebastian erupted into genuine, knowing smiles, looking straight at each other for just a second.

“So, do you still have the same number Blaine Anderson?”

“Yeah,” Blaine answered.

Sebastian decided to test it and pulled out his phone to send Blaine a text that said, “Call me.” A second later Blaine’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he pulled it out to show Sebastian the screen. Sebastian looked up at the contact name that showed on Blaine’s phone; ‘Sebastian Smythe’ followed by a pair of heart eyes, it read.

“You put those there, remember?” Blaine said about the heart eyes.

“I remember.”

Blaine then took a minute to reply to the text and Sebastian’s phone buzzed in his hand in turn. He glanced down and read the message with a smile. “I will if you will,” it said. Sebastian turned his phone to show Blaine his own screen, “BA” the contact name read.

“We should sit in a dark room sometime and read all of our old texts,” Blaine teased softly, “That would be a trip.”

Sebastian laughed out loud and said, “Yes it fucking would”, and then immediately looked in shock when he realized what he’d just said in front of Evey.

Blaine smiled and said, “It’s ok. She lives in New York.”

“Right,” Sebastian said, “I’m sorry anyway,” then mouthing to Evey her own quick “sorry” as she turned her attention back to her father and his friend.

“It’s ok,” she said.

Sebastian then turned his head behind him, indicating that he’d just remembered Paul had been waiting for him this whole time. Instead of saying goodbye he asked if Blaine and Evey had plans for the evening and if they were hungry they should join him and Paul for dinner. It only took a little arm pulling for them to agree.

* * *

In their third year of college Blaine and Sebastian found themselves at the same party, at Santana’s of all places, Sebastian invited because of New Directions, Warbler, and Yale connections. Kurt hadn’t been there that night and like magnets, Blaine and Sebastian found themselves attached at the hip all night, grinding against each other for hours on the dance floor. Those who knew better were observing with questioning, amused, but also unsurprised looks. “We’re just dancing,” Blaine said to the friends who raised an eyebrow or gave a particularly confused glare. Blaine and Sebastian eventually managed to wander away from the party unnoticed. They made out that night. It was the first time they ever kissed and Blaine felt so guilty about it that it wasn’t really a hangover that kept him sick the next day, Kurt nursing him back to health.

* * *

Sebastian and Blaine lay on their backs in the bedroom of Blaine’s apartment, both looking up at the ceiling in the dark.

“Tell me about you and Paul. Tell me about something you did together, like a vacation.”

Sebastian turned his head to look at Blaine, “I can tell you about when we went to Morocco and I got so sick I almost died.”

“What?” Blaine said as he turned to look back over at Sebastian.

“Yeah, it was our first vacation together. We had only been dating for like six months. Neither of us had ever been there so . . . anyway I thought I was invincible which I’m sure is incredibly shocking to you . . .”

Blaine smiled at that.

“Paul was really careful but I basically ate anything I thought looked good on our first day and a half or so there. It was actually awesome and I was totally soaking it all up; Morocco. I loved being there with him.

“Well needless to say I’m not invincible and I turned our ten day vacation into a day and a half of a good time, and eight days of misery, hospitals, and near death. I’m unfortunately not exaggerating,” he said as he turned to Blaine. “I was so sick Blaine. Have you ever been in a hospital in an unfamiliar place? It’s scary as shit. I couldn’t get in touch with my family, I didn’t speak the language, and all I had was an IV in my arm to give me fluids so I wouldn’t die from dehydration. All other causes of death, however, were up for grabs.

“Paul never left me. He never left my side. In fact when I first started to feel sick we were on a fucking bus and as soon as he noticed he pulled me right the fuck off that bus and brought me back to our hotel. Less than a day later I was in a hospital. He saved my life. I don’t know what I would have done if I didn’t have him there. I hung onto him like a lifeline and he never once made me feel bad about it, or scared, or regretful. He just stayed there at my side doing anything he could to let me know I wasn’t alone.

“You’d think that something like that, ruining a vacation to such fucking extremes so early in a relationship would end things. It didn’t though, it brought us closer together. I told him I loved him for the first time that week, and so did he. He said it first but I already knew it so completely by the time he said it. I knew as soon as I was doubled over in pain and he dragged me off of that fucking bus. Anyway, that’s my vacation story,” he finished with this huge grin on his face as he looked at Blaine, assuming that wasn’t the kind of vacation story Blaine was expecting to hear.

“Oh my god, Sebastian, that’s crazy. Thank god. Thank god you were ok.”

“Oh my god Blaine, I was so sick. Do me a favor and never eat any street food away from home. The restaurants are definitely the way to go. It took me at least a month after we got back to fully recover and eat normally again. I’ve never experienced anything like that in my life.”

Blaine was looking up at the ceiling again as Sebastian turned to him and asked what he was thinking.

“I can’t believe that happened to you. I can’t believe that happened and I had no idea.” He turned to meet Sebastian’s eyes. “You really love each other. I feel like I’m taking that away from you. Love is a verb right? Not a feeling. It’s what you do for the people you love, not what you think about but don’t do. I’ve never . . . I’ve never had the chance to do anything like that for you.”

“You will now,” Sebastian answered. “And you did,” he added, “when my father died. I’ll never forget what you did then.”

Blaine leaned in to kiss Sebastian and he easily returned it. That evening was small kisses in between stories that kept on for hours lying on the bedroom floor, watching the ceiling.

A month earlier Sebastian sat in a kitchen and told Paul that he loved him but that he wasn’t his first choice. He watched Paul go from confused to angry to hurt in a matter of minutes while he explained what a lifetime of unrequited love felt like, and that ultimately Sebastian could do what Blaine did all those years and stay committed but that it wasn’t fair to any of them, not anymore, and it also wasn’t who Sebastian was. Paul told him that Blaine was a coward and that Seb was twice the man he was and he deserved better. Paul was hurt and Sebastian knew that. Paul didn’t know that Sebastian felt like a coward too, and that when he was 16 the only way he knew to get someone’s attention was to act out, and that later on he thought the only way to keep someone’s attention was to not act out at all anymore. Sebastian was tired of trying to figure it out.

* * *

About three weeks before Sebastian announced to Blaine that he was leaving New York for Paris at the age of 37, Kurt and Blaine had wandered into a karaoke bar for fun. It was a late night crowd since they had both just finished their shows and they felt somewhat obligated to show some out of town friends a great time.

They had enjoyed their first drink and were gathered at a table towards the back, fishing through the song book with their friends who were trying to find them the perfect duet when Blaine, and then Kurt, looked up quickly after noticing a familiar voice take over the microphone.

The bar was crowded and half of the patrons were enjoying the performers while the other half treated the stage as background entertainment to whatever important conversations or funny jokes were being shared at their tables, or around the bar. It was too crowded for Sebastian to notice his familiar audience in the back. Blaine couldn’t tell who he was there with, it was hard to spot which table he might have come from.

The song, however, was familiar as soon as the background music began and then Sebastian began to sing . . .

_You were far_  
_When I could have been your star_  
_You listened to people_  
_Who scared you to death and from my heart . . ._

Blaine and Kurt both sat solely focused on watching him sing. When he finished, he placed the microphone back in the stand and exited the stage into the crowd below. Although he tried, Blaine couldn’t follow him through the crowd, half of whom were cheering and cat calling after what was a flawless performance. Kurt gave Blaine a sideways glance, noticing that all Blaine was trying to do was follow Sebastian amongst the tables. Thirty minutes later Blaine decided he was tired and excused himself while Kurt stayed behind with their friends, wandering back to their apartment a good two hours later. Blaine pretended to be asleep when he came in.

* * *

A sixteen year old Sebastian was moving quickly through the Dalton halls trying to get to his final class of the day. He’d managed to settle into his new life alright, having made friends in class, at lacrosse, and from within the Warblers. He didn’t hide that he was still resentful of his return to Ohio, especially to his father, but he accepted it for what it was, a two year detour before his real life began. He was determined to make the most of it, put his own stamp on Ohio while he had the chance. He was rounding a corner, books in hand, when he suddenly collided with someone walking in the opposite direction. Sebastian managed to hold onto his books, and as he juggled them felt a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“Are you ok? I’m so sorry, I really didn’t see you coming.”

“No worries,” was Sebastian’s easy reply as he looked up to see a boy out of uniform. The alarm rang to indicate that class had started and with a small nod Sebastian ducked into his classroom and found his seat. Later in life Sebastian and Blaine would be sitting at their kitchen table when Sebastian would ask, “Do you remember bumping into me in the hallway the day we met?”

He was referring to what he always imagined was a small moment that only he latched onto, one that wasn’t connected to a song or performance but to what could have been Blaine’s last day on campus as he walked around and said goodbye to a place he thought he wouldn’t see again for a while.

“Of course I do,” Blaine would say, “I remember everything.”

Sebastian would lean in for a kiss across the table, ring on his finger, his belongings in their bedroom drawers.

* * *

By 47 Sebastian had become accustomed to splitting his time equally between France and New York. The times he was alone in France would be spent mostly working, spending time with his mom and family, and connecting with friends. He would sit in cafes enjoying a glass of wine by himself, and if a man or a woman happened to introduce themselves, asked if they could join him, he’d politely decline. “I’m with someone”, he’d say, if the situation warranted it. The truth was he wasn’t just with someone; the truth was a lot more than that.

On pleasant evenings he would walk through the city on his own and send Blaine texts that read, ‘I miss you, friend,’ or ‘kiss that beautiful girl for me,’ and he would get an instant response that read, ‘I miss you more,’ or ‘I love only you,’ or ‘don’t make me cry.’

Weeks later he’d inevitably be walking through the airport terminal, bag in hand, and find Blaine Anderson waiting at baggage claim.

* * *

Sebastian didn’t understand the longing for a happy ending that so many people had, Blaine included. He understood that life happened and things either worked out or they didn’t. That didn’t mean that he didn’t want love, or didn’t have regrets. Sebastian actually did everything big, did everything the way it felt right for him. He learned to focus more on consequences as he got older, less on the moment, but still made sure it felt right. Sebastian knew that Blaine Anderson would have a grand impact on his life; from the moment they met he realized he’d never be the same. When he was 16 that scared him a little, but not entirely. They had always been ready for each other, but life wasn’t that easy. Life had to catch up. Sebastian didn’t realize that sometimes Blaine would think about their time apart, dwell on the moments missed or unshared. Still, “No regrets,” Blaine would say to him as they grew older, “We were never apart.” There had been times in his past when Sebastian questioned that, but not now, not anymore. Now he knew better.


End file.
